Dr. Beth shares insights about
relationships, stress, and more.
Picture the typical family dinner scene. Doug and Tina are enjoying a nice, quiet meal with their four-year-old son. Suddenly, little Timmy spills his glass of juice. Doug jumps up, shakes his finger at the boy and shouts, “What are you? Stupid? Look what you’ve done!”SOMETHING GOES WRONG Little Timmy is bewildered. What he doesn’t understand is that his Daddy went through the same thing as a little boy. His father relentlessly verbally abused him over little things like a spilled glass of juice.
Of course, when Tina confronts Doug with what has just happened, he feels bad for yelling at the poor kid. But he can’t stop reacting this way. What’s Doug doing here?
A ROBOTWEB? Doug is caught in a “robotweb”– a habit pattern–that involves every single part of him: his physical sensations, his emotions, his thoughts and his behaviors.
Many women identified with an earlier blog post, Why Did I Pick the Same Kind of “Bad Boy” One More Time. That blog post described the case of a woman who, for reasons she couldn’t understand, always ended up with men who at first seemed to be perfectly charming gentlemen, but later transformed into complete, emotionally unavailable jerks.But there is another perspective on transformation.
[gallery]LISA’S STORY Have you ever thought about what might be engraved on your tombstone when you die? Lisa is absolutely certain her engraving will read: Here lies a woman who never had any time for anything. That’s exactly what she says. All the time.
Lisa wants to go back to college and get her degree, but with a husband and two kids to take care of, she doesn’t have time to study. She wants to go to the gym, or perhaps go to yoga classes, but she doesn’t have time for that, either. She doesn’t have time to get together with girlfriends, doesn’t remember when was the last time she went to the hair salon - and shopping? Whenever she does head for the department store it’s strictly the Children’s Clothing or Housewares Department for her. She doesn’t have time to do anything for her – just her.
Lisa loves her family, so she feels guilty for feeling less than satisfied with her life. But she’s also frustrated, sad, and even despairs sometimes that all she’ll ever do for the rest of her life is care for her family.
STUCK IN A RUT Lisa is absolutely and unequivocally stuck. Stuck in a rut a lot of women get stuck in and find it hard to get out of. And what do we do? Do we go on with our daily chores and tasks and continue complaining OR do we try to change something?
Sadly, most of us remain stuck. And dissatisfied with the life we live. What does it take to get unstuck? Is it really that hard?
HERE’S SOME HELP In my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, I explain the difference between being in the shadow and being in the light. When we are in the shadow, we rely on inappropriate reactions, habits and behaviors to deal with our issues. In Lisa’s case, she’s often moody, irritated, and blames her family as much as she blames herself for not being able to pursue her dreams. She feels helpless and wallows in self-pity.
On the other hand, when we are in the light, we resort to healthier habits and reactions. We feel things like gratitude, self-awareness, and acceptance. We don’t assign blame, but rather seek change.
CHANGE OUR MIND – CHANGE OUR DESTINY Our state of mind (whether it is negative-shadow or positive-light) controls each moment of our life. And our moments add up to create our destiny. The good news is that we can learn (or train ourselves) to be mindful, and recognize each state of mind and change it if it is shadow so that we can confidently step into the light. This process is as physical (we must manage stress and also rewire our brain) as it is psychological!
You can find out more in my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be. Here’s your chance to download its first chapter for FREE. Just click here and get an idea of what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you. You can retrain yourself, change and grow, and engage life more fully.
I HATE YOU – I LOVE YOU: A MATTER OF FOCUS
THE SITUATION“Tim makes me so mad. I hate him!” Sara, a new client, was yelling at me. Truth be told, Tim does not make Sara angry. He triggers her rage, but Sara is making herself furious.
HOW IT WORKS
It works like this. Sara’s focus on Tim’s current behavior pulls up certain thoughts, memories, and pictures in her mind. These create the meanings she attaches to Tim. At this moment, she sees him as mean and unreasonable. The meanings she attaches then cause the emotion (anger) that Sara is feeling.
But let’s suppose Tim makes Sara laugh and hands her a small gift. Her focus will still be on Tim, but the meaning she attaches to him will change. I’m pretty sure her emotion will change from hate to something more positive, hopefully love.
Note: Our focus causes the meaning we attach to a person, thing, or situation and this causes the emotions we feel.
WHAT ARE WE TO DO? Our challenge is to stay aware of our reactions and take full responsibility for them. It’s true that others trigger emotions in us. But how we process that flow of energy and information depends on us. Moreover, we mustn’t forget that in most cases we repeat these useless reactions over and over again. We get stuck in this habitual way of reacting, and it’s up to us to train ourselves to get unstuck.
BAD NEWS - GOOD NEWS If we refuse to take responsibility and insist that others are making us feel a certain way, we give away our power to change ourselves. We are at others’ mercy until they make us feel different. In contrast, if we take responsibility for our reactions, we can choose to do something about them. If we acknowledge them, and our responsibility in them, we are better prepared to resolve the issues and situations that cause them.
THIS MIGHT HELP If you struggle with taking responsibility for your reactions, do not despair, the tools and four steps of the Choice-Cube Method found in the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, can teach you how to train yourself to take responsibility for your reactions and change them.
A LITTLE SECRET Here’s a secret. Forgiving is often necessary for us to change our focus. This means forgiving others and ourselves! Sometimes forgiving is possible only with help from God or our Higher Power. Connection to God or our Higher Power can often help us find the compassion and forgiveness we seek.
My book, Become the Person You Were to Be, gives you the chance to explore some of these ideas. Look inside the book at Amazon.com or download its first chapter for FREE. Just click here and get an idea of what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you
Most of us understand at one point or another that there is something we should change in our lives. But we are unable to make this change. Why? Because we resist change. It's as simple as that. Instead of changing, we are stuck making the same unwise, inappropriate choices, time and again. But before we can break this vicious pattern of resistance, we must understand that there are four areas of inward reactions, four tendencies that keep us stuck and far from changing.
1. Body: We Regress Under Stress, or “I just want to survive!”
With enough emotional, physical or mental stress, anyone will shift into survival mode. Our body takes charge, and all we want is to reach a safe place or get what we want. Rather than remain present and focused on solving the problem, we reach back to earlier experiences for familiar ways of coping. And we use these old coping mechanisms regardless of whether they are truly appropriate.
2. Emotions: Repetition Compulsion, or “I have to do it again it until I get it right!”
If a problem remains unresolved, it will keep cropping up to demand resolution. Emotions that Wwe have failed to release and distorted thoughts drive us. We feel compelled to create situations that are similar to the original wound, loss or trauma. This is a reflection of our unconscious need to resolve issues. There is always the hope that things will turn out differently this time. But because of our issues, and because we are accustomed to dealing with them in a certain way, we simply repeat the same old strategies only to end up with the same old results.
3. Mind: Projections and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies, or “I must make the world outside of me agree with the world inside my head.”
We feel the drive to make the external world conform to our internal world. This need for consistency makes out mind seek out or create whatever confirms our beliefs. And we reject whatever contradicts them. Mental defenses such as denial and repression help us achieve this. If we can’t create the familiar situation, then we will simply imagine it, or project it. We constantly give off signals to make others see us in agreement with the distortions and lies of our past wounds. One way or another, we make our present reality agree with our. It's as if we create a negative prophecy about ourselves and then bring it to pass--a "self-fulfilling prophecy
4. Will: The Path of Least Resistance, or “The devil I know is better than the devil I don’t know.”
It is natural to wish for things to remain the same rather than change; it maintains our homeostasis. There is also the fear of the unknown. Our innate, deep desire to keep things just the way they are, combined with our fear of the unknown, lead us to respond with the same strategies rather than move beyond our comfort zone-- our habitual ways of thinking, acting and feeling. This need to keep things the same makes us endure a dissatisfactory, often painful, present rather than face the discomfort of change and adjustment to something new. Instead of risking short-term pain for long-term gain, we choose short-term relief that leads to long-term pain. Wow!
Want to know how we can beat these old tendencies that hinder us and keep us from changing? The Choice-Cube Method® can help you. Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist and author of the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, is giving you the opportunity to download the first chapter of the book for FREE. Just click here and see what the Choice-Cube Method® can do for you today.
You can find my book on Amazon.
