Victims! Victimizers! What About Problem Solvers?

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Republican presidential candidate Romney’s recent statement about victimhood brings to mind Herman Cain’s, declaration of some months ago, ”I refuse to be a victim!”

I was fascinated to hear Cain, an earlier Republican presidential hopeful, clearly state that he refused to be a victim. What exactly are these two powerful men talking about? 

WHEN YOU ARE A VICTIM.           Victims try to Avoid! Avoid! Avoid! They believe they need others to fix or provide for them. As result, they are willing to give up their healthy, independent selves rather than confront and resolve issues,. Victims respond to people and situations from an under-dog, one-down position. For a victim, it feels safer to avoid arguments and confrontation.

BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM.          The problem is that victims eventually find a way to become the victimizer.

WHEN YOU ARE A VICTIMIZER.        Victimizers try to Control! Control! Control! They send the message. “You need me to set things straight. I have all the answers. I know better. I’ll fix you and everyone else. It must be done my way.“ Victimizers respond to people and situations from a top-dog, one-up position. Being in control helps a victimizer feel safe.

THE VICTIM-VICTIMIZER SWING.         Just as victims swing into the victimizer position, every victimizer eventually collapses into the victim position. I call this swing from victim to victimizer or from victimizer to victim the “Victim-Victimizer Swing.” Every one goes into the Victim-Victimizer Swing from time to time. But gratefully, a third option exists.

WHAT ABOUT THE PROBLEM-SOLVER POSITION?            The choice to respond to people and situations as victims or victimizers tugs at us in every stressful situation. But those who manage their stress and negative emotions can stay aware and objective. They have a third option. They can respond as problem-solvers looking for a win-win solution. It all starts with honesty and a commitment to a win-win solution.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?        Using Eric Berne’s concept of “okayness,” might help you recognize when you go into victim or victimizer. When you feel stressed or confused, ask yourself which position you have adopted. 

  • I'n not okay  -- You're okay         --  Victim
  • I'm oaky --  You're not okay    --  Victimizer
  • I'm okay --  Your'e okay              --   Problem Solver

These are confusing times. Becoming victims and victimizers only adds to problems and detracts from finding solutions. Would you like to learn more about becoming a problem solver? In her book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be The Choice-Cube Method, Dr. Beth Cujé helps you understand yourself and sets forth tools and 4 steps to help you become a problem-solver. Just click here to get the first chapter of her book for FREE.

"I Refuse To Be A Victim!” - Herman Cain

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I was fascinated to hear Herman Cain, Republican candidate for President, clearly state that he refuses to be a victim. Would you agree that the opposite of a victim is a victimizer? It’s true. And everyone is capable of becoming both a victim and a victimizer.

But a third option exists. We always have the choice to respond to people and situations as victims, victimizers, or as problem-solvers looking for a win-win solution.

Read More

Another Kind of “Bad Boy”

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Many women identified with an earlier blog post, Why Did I Pick the Same Kind of “Bad Boy” One More Time. That blog post described the case of a woman who, for reasons she couldn’t understand, always ended up with men who at first seemed to be perfectly charming gentlemen, but later transformed into complete, emotionally unavailable jerks.But there is another perspective on transformation.

Read More

A Look Inside the Minds of a Victim and a Victimizer

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The Victim-Victimizer Swing

The victim and the victimizer are actually the same person. Both live inside of us,

because we are both.

Depending on where we are in life, we can become one or the other. In a negative state of mind--in the shadows--we swing between being victims and victimizers. We respond to people and situations either as a victim or a victimizer.

Are You A Victim?

As a victim, we are in the “one down, less than, underdog” position. We give up our healthy self and try to find an identity and safety in submission and weakness. The message is: “I am at someone’s mercy because of my needs and desires. I feel trapped.”

Are You A Victimizer?

As victimizers, we go against others. We take the “one up, better than, top-dog” position, trying to find an identity and safety in domination and control. The message is: “I stay in control and fix, criticize, or dominate others because of my needs and desires, or because I feel threatened.”

Some  Facts About The Victim-Victimizer Swing: 

-      As far as we go one way, say as a victim, we will go equally far the other way, as a victimizer.

-      We send out signals, with or without our awareness, to let others know our position, and others will respond to our signals.

-      Victims seek out victimizers and vice versa. For example, women whose default position is victim usually end up with abusive partners.

What Is Your Default Position?

Though we swing between being both victim and victimizer, one position will be our default, the position where we start and end. Following is a look inside the minds of each:



If you wish to get to the bottom of your Self to find your true identity, the Choice-Cube Method can help…and help you now!

Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist and author of the self-help book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, gives you the chance to download its first chapter for FREE.

Just click here and confirm what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you.