How To Stop Destroying A Relationship

Are you having trouble with a relationship? Do you keep repeating the same arguments without resolving them? Are you destroying the relationship?

Take a look at the following scriptures and then at some suggestions for resolving your problem.

• Don’t be a hypocrite! First clean the inside of your cup and dish that the outside of them may be clean also. --  Matthew: 23:25 

• Take the log out of your eye before you try to take the speck out of your brother’s (son, daughter-in-law, husband, friend) eye. -- Ephesians 4:25-27 

• Speak the truth in love. -- Ephesians 4:15 

• Be angry but do not sin: do not let the sun set on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. -- Ephesians: 4:26-28 

If you have tried and failed to keep these commandments, you may be hurting pretty bad. But getting stuck in anger or guilt doesn’t fix the issue. 

BEING HUMAN GETS IN YOUR WAY;    You are a human being. You may be a Christian and want to do God’s will, but when you are very stressed and upset, you are more likely to just react, based on what you feel, think, and need. Why? Because you are human with a human body and an imperfect mind that take over when you get stressed and upset.

Jesus was able to always listen to God and do exactly what Father told him to do. You, on the other hand may start with this desire, but unless you have trained your body and mind to stay focused on God, you will find it almost impossible to keep his peace and joy and to do his will.

Yes, sometimes you may go numb and feel as if you are in control. But when you are numb, you are not in a position to resolve issues.

Also, because you have repeated the same reactions over and over, you have now made it more likely that you will have the same reactions and do the very same things the next time the issue surfaces.

Why not try something different? 

SOMETHING DIFFERENT:  I suggest, that as soon as you feel yourself begin to react the old way, you:

• Take a deep breath, 

• Drop your shoulders and unclench your fists, wiggle your toes

• Take another deep breath,

• Step back and relax.

Now,

• Pay close attention to your emotions. Doing this will make it easier to do what God’s Word says. Here’s why.

When you are feeling stressed and angry, anxious, ashamed, or overwhelmed, stress and your negative emotions lock in distortions and limitations in your thinking. At the same time, stress and your negative emotions hide the whole truth from you.

This separates you from God. (God never turns his back on you, you just can’t hear him.)  In this state of being, you cannot see the big picture and it is almost impossible to make wise decisions.  

BECOME AN “OBJECTIVE OBSERVER”:       On the other hand, if you “do something different (see above),” you become an “objective observer” of what is happening to you at that moment. 

As an “objective observer” you are more able to control what you focus on. (Your focus determines your level of stress and negative emotions.)

As a conscious observer, you have choice. Now, instead of staying focused on the person, thing, action, or problem that is causing you trouble, you can choose to focus on God and do things his way. 

Start by dealing with your stress. Then label your negative emotions and let go of them. (There are tools for this.) This liberates your mind to see all sides of reality—the big picture and to refocus on God and on his Word. Believe me, whatever you focus on, harmful or helpful, will get you more of it!

As a conscious observer managing your focus, the goal is to “speak the truth in love.” 

Right?  You don’t have to go along with the other person. You don’t have to fix anything. You can disagree with him or her. But at this moment, you need to stop focusing on the person and the problem and focus on doing things God’s way in God’s time. (That may mean keeping your mouth shut for the moment.)

In my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be – The Choice-Cube® Method,you can learn how to get rid of stress, let go of your negative emotions and shift your focus back to God and his Word. There are also some simple Choice-Cube tools to help you do this. If you want more information, check out my website www.choicecube.com.

Out With The Old - In With The New!

Time for a change!  Out with the old, limited way of seeing your life. In with a new, exciting view of life, one full of options and possibilities. Rewire your brain! 

It's time to stop thinking, feeling, and doing the same old things over and over. Time to choose to do something different!

It works like this. Each time you repeat a thought, emotion, or action, you go over pathways in your brain that carry the information and energy of that reaction.

Repeatedly going over the same nerve pathways is like repeatedly driving a car over the same dirt road. You create ruts in that road that deepen every time you drive over them. This makes them more likely to grab your tires and force you to stay in the rut.

In the same way, the more you repeat a thought, emotion, or action, the more power you give it to grab your mind and body, causing you to repeat those same reactions again and again. 

In fact ruts or pathways can become so deep that it seems easier to just to roll along and allow those ruts or familiar thoughts, feelings, and actions to control you. 

Here's where rewiring comes in. When you train yourself to stay aware and choose different reactions instead of old familiar ones, you interfere with the old ruts or nerve pathways. Richard Restak, in his 2003 book, The New Brain: How the Modern Age Is Rewiring Your Mind, says it this way.

The brain never loses the power to transform on the basis of experience, and this transformation can occur over very short intervals. For instance, your brain is different today than it was yesterday. This difference results from the effect on your brain of yesterday’s and today’s experiences, as well as the thoughts and feelings you’ve entertained over the past twenty-four hours. [pp. 7–8]

When you change your reactions, you can begin to create new, healthier pathways. And each time you do, you actually make changes to your brain. You rewire it.  

Out with the old. In with the new!  Let's get started. 

Want some help making changes. You might start with the Choice-Cube Assessment Quiz on this website. Or take a look at the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method: Step by Step to Choice and Change.  Happy New Year!

Get that Paper Bag Off Your Head!

Howard just lay there in bed. He knew he had to go to work. But he felt so anxious and depressed, he didn't want to move. It felt like he had a paper bag over his head, and he didn't know why.

STUCK OR UNSTUCK?  Have you ever awakened feeling out of sorts, not knowing why? When this happened, weren't you tempted to focus on how bad you felt? The danger is, of course, getting stuck inside that brown bag on a mental merry-go-round.

YOU CAN GET UNSTUCK   Yet, there is a way to get unstuck right away. Start with these two simple questions: What am I feeling? and What do I want? can make a difference.

LABEL THAT FEELING!   Yes, you already know you feel lousy. But when you ask the first question and deliberately label what you are feeling, you can locate that feeling in time and space. You make the emotion concrete–something you can manipulate instead of giving it power to run you... you stop doing the same old thing and do something different.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR BRAIN Recent brain research by Matthew Lieberman of the University of California, Los Angeles suggests that simply labeling your feelings—angry, anxious, overwhelmed, sad—changes your brain.

A little almond shaped bundle of nerves, called the amygdala, sits in your emotional brain. It becomes very active when you are upset. Lieberman found that when his research subjects deliberately labeled their feelings, the amygdala began to slow down and “relax.” Also, labeling an emotion engages the thinking part of the brain and better equips you to understand and resolve your problems.

YOU CAN LEARN SOME SIMPLE TOOLS   There are simple tools you can learn to help you stay aware of feelings and label them. These tools can also help you to let go of feelings safely and appropriately. “Appropriately” means to express them without hurting yourself or anyone else. Later I'll tell you where you can find those tools.

So label your painful, angry, and overwhelming feelings. Learn to let go of them and engage the thinking part of your brain. Your mind will clear and now, it’s time for the second question: What do I want?

BAD NEWS – GOOD NEWS     When you ask this second question, look for personal losses and conflicts. There may be surprises. The bad news is that often, emotions help you avoid knowing things you are not ready to face. The good news is that when you release those emotions in an appropriate fashion, the door usually opens to new understanding. This includes knowing what you really want.

EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS CAN POISON YOU   Appropriately managing your negative emotions and thoughts is critical. If you fail to deal with them, they don’t just disappear. They just sit in you. Like bad food, they can poison you until you get them out of you. Whoa, you can become so toxic, confused, and stuck. Why not learn to recognize emotional paper bags and how to get rid of them?

Using the two questions What am I feeling? and What do I want? can help. You can learn about these questions and other things in the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be – The Choice-Cube Method. The method presented in the book will give you a mental framework, simple tools, and four steps to help you deal with all kinds of paper bags. You can download the first chapter for free.

Are You A Three-Way-Mirror?

YOU are a three-way-mirror:  How you relate to yourself;  how you relate to others and the world in general; and how you relate to the world of spirit--the world you cannot see or touch.

Have you examined your mirrors lately? It might be a good idea to do just that. Why? Because what is in your three mirrors determines the quality and direction of your life. What is in your mirrors controls how much freedom, purpose, fulfillment, and life-satisfaction you are experiencing , have experienced, and will experience!

If how you relate to yourself--your intra-personal mirror--is limiting or distorted, if how you relate to others--your inter-personal mirror--is limiting or distorted, if how you relate to spirit--your trans-personal mirror--is limiting or distorted,   then  seeing who you really are, how wonderful you are, and what you are here on earth for becomes a very difficult task. 

But there is good news. You always have choice. It’s never too late to change what is in your mirrors. 

YOUR INTRA-PERSONAL MIRROR.          Let me give you an example of each mirror, starting with the first one--how you relate to yourself. Are you your own best friend or your worst enemy? Do you take responsibility for what you think, feel, want, and do? This is the only way to make lasting changes. Do you encourage yourself with honest feedback and compassion? Do you speak to yourself with understanding and love? Do you follow through on your dreams and desires?

Or are you critical and harsh with yourself? Do you feed yourself thoughts and pictures of fear, failure and inadequacy? Do you dwell on unrealistic pictures and dreams that you will never pursue?

YOUR INTER-PERSONAL MIRROR.          Here’s the second mirror--how you relate to others and the world in general. Do you share yourself with people who care for you and have your best interests at heart? Are you honest and compassionate with those you meet and those you are intimate with? Do you treat them the way you want to be treated? Do you speak the truth with kindness, seeking to resolve issues “win-win” (everyone feels they are getting a fair deal)?

Or, are you critical, judgmental, impatient and demanding with others? Do you use others for your pleasure and fail to have their best interests at heart? When there are issues, do you avoid dealing with them? Do you go along and agree just to avoid conflict? Do you try to control things by getting angry or pouting and withdrawing?

YOUR TRANS-PERSONAL MIRROR.          Here’s the third mirror--how you relate to the world that you cannot see or touch--the world of spirit.  Do you believe there is a power greater than yourself? Do you believe this power exists for your good? Perhaps you see it as non-caring and impersonal or even destructive.

It is beyond the scope of this article to discuss the three mirrors in depth. However, since what is in your three mirrors so influences your life, I invite you to take a few minutes to look at them. What do you see? What would you prefer to see? What changes do you need to make to get what you want? What’s the best way to do that?

One way to give yourself choice and make the mirror changes you desire can be found in my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be – The Choice-Cube^©Method: Step by Step to Choice and Change. Click here.  You can also check out this website to learn more about the method.

Learner Or Self-Protector: Which Are You?

Are You a Learner?

Being a “learner” is meant to be your normal way of life. When you are a learner, you can see both the negative and positive sides of reality—the big picture. You could say that you are an objective observer of what is going on. Also, learners have hope.

The creative, problem-solving conscious mind is in control when you are a learner. Instead of becoming inappropriately defensive, trying to avoid or control difficulties inappropriately, you stay open and curious. You feel rightly connected within yourself and to others, and to God, if you are a believer.

When faced with difficulties, your primary concern is to get to the truth with compassion for yourself and others.  You want to resolve issues in a win-win fashion (Everyone feels fairly dealt with.). And you can express the best of who you are—your healthy-best-real self. Here’s summary of what it is like to be a learner.

Body of a Learner: Your body responses are relaxed, but alert.

Emotions of a Learner: Your emotions are positive (peace, acceptance/love, confidence/zest, satisfaction).

Mind of a Learner: Your mind reflects flexible and balanced thinking (You see both  the negative and positive sides of people and situations--the big  picture) and you can freely choose what you focus on.

Will/Desires of a Learner: You want to stay out of inappropriate avoid or control strategies and prefer to resolve difficulties win-win.

Behaviors of a Learner: With this mindset, you can base your reactions on a clearer picture of reality and on the best of who you are.

                                                     Are You a Self-Protector?

Like all humans, you can become a defensive “self-protector” when you feel unsafe or highly aroused, even if you are unaware of it. Feeling threatened, aroused, and becoming self-protective is a normal part of life for everyone!

The problem is when you become inappropriately defensive or get stuck in defensive self- protectiveness. Ah, there’s the problem. Inappropriate or repeated defensiveness can undermine and hurt you. It can even destroy your relationships. 

When youbecome an inappropriate self-protector, to some degree, you ”split off" From yourself. You lose a clear picture of reality and your freedom of choice. All you want is to avoid discomfort and pain or get what you want and feel in control again. So you tend to act in ways that hurt you and others. For example, you may refuse to admit when you are wrong, run away, see yourself as better than others, act out sexually, isolate, or become unreasonably angry. 

When you arestuck as a self-protector, you lose a clear picture of reality, and to some degree, your freedom of choice. You repeat inappropriate ways of thinking, feeling, and acting. But even worse, you train yourself to stay defensive and self-protective. You may even look be on the lookout for things to make you defensive.

Becoming a defensive self-protector is normal and adaptive when there is a genuine threat to your safety and wellbeing or to the safety and wellbeing of those you love. Going in to self-protect is maladaptive and hurtful if:

1. You go there because of an imagined threat.

2. You go there and get stuck there.

The subconscious mind rules your defensiveness. When you become self-protective, instincts or habit patterns stored in your sub-conscious mind take over. If you don’t know how to recognize when this happens and do something different, the habit can take control of you.

You can become rigid, confused, or all mixed-up. It’s almost impossible to see the whole truth--the big picture-- when you are in self-protector mode. So, you refuse to discuss the issue and leave the room, get angry, or pout in silence.

At this moment, you are on autopilot mindlessly reacting instead of responding appropriately. If you are stuck as a self-protector, you are like a CD. Just like a CD, when activated, you play the same reactions over and over, relating to others in the same old hurtful ways.

If you pay attention to how you are reacting, you’ll find that your body is stressed and that you have negative emotions such as pride, anger, fear, disgust, or the craving to be right.

If you pay attention to what you are saying to yourself, you will find that the thoughts and pictures in your mind are also negative. You may be thinking, Just shut up. Leave me alone. I don’t care what you say. You’re jerk. You don’t know anything.

Finally, if you check what you want, your will or desire may be to get even, be right, or get away. The following is a summary of your reactions. 

Body of a Self-Protector:  You are tense, agitated, or collapsed.

Emotions of a Self-Protector:  You are emotionally negative.  

Mind of a Self-Protector: You are mentally off-balance. Things seem all good or all bad. Or you are double minded, helplessly swinging back and forth between seeing things as all good or all bad.

Will/Desires of a Self-Protector:  You want to avoid or control people, situations, and problems in inappropriate ways.

Behaviors of a Self-Protector: Your behaviors tend to be impulsive, compulsive or you may seem paralyzed--unable to act.

Is staying a learner worth the effort? Yes. Indeed it is! Staying a learner often requires effort, but being a learner leads to integration and growth, emotional and physical health, and fulfilling relationships.

I invite you to take the Choice-Cube Method Self-Assessment Quizto find out whether you are more in shadow—a self-protector--or in more in light—a learner.