Where Are You Right Now- Shadow or Light?

Shadow    Do you remember what happened to you the last time you felt unsafe or threatened—when you went into shadow? Did you catch yourself feeling defensive, self-protective? Did you act like a victim or did you become aggressive and act more like a victimizer?

Becoming defensive—going into the shadows--when feeling threatened is normal. That’s just part of life. Problems start, however, when we automatically repeat the same thoughts, feelings and behaviors in similar situations.

Taylor, an attractive twenty-something knew she was hurting her marriage by becoming defensive when her husband, Tom, asked her almost any simple question. Tom warned her that her unwillingness to discuss problems and make changes was undermining and hurting them both. He even pointed out that her attitude was destroying his love for her. What was going on?

The Subconscious Mind Rules Shadow       Taylor didn’t realize it, but she went into the shadow and became unreasonably defensive because of habit patterns stored in her sub-conscious mind. When activated by a question, they took over. Old ways of protecting herself, learned in the past, controlled her. Sometimes she would feel chaotic, sort of crazy. At other times she would get sullen and rigid. Either way, chaotic or rigid, she was unable to see the whole truth--the big picture. All she knew at the moment was that she wanted to avoid discomfort and pain and feel in control again.

Taylor had to learn the hard way that her automatic, mindless way of reacting was destructive. In fact, Tom had to leave her before she woke up. 

What About You?     You can tell whether you are in shadow or light by paying close attention to your body (stress), emotions, mind (thoughts and pictures in your mind), and your will/desires. These are your four inward reactions. NOTE: If one of your four inward reactions is shadow, they will all be shadow. And your behavior will be shadow also. If one of the four is light, they will all be light. And your behavior will be also.

Inward Reactions -  In Shadow

• ·      Body in Shadow:We are tense, agitated,or collapsed.
•        Emotions in Shadow: We are emotionally negative.
• ·      Mind in Shadow: We are mentally off-balance. Things seem all good or all bad. Or we are                                     double minded, helplessly swinging back and forth between the two.
•        Will In Shadow: We want to avoid or control people, situations, and problems in                                                  inappropriate ways that lead to impulsive and compulsive behaviors. Or we                                          seem paralyzed--unable to act.

Going Into Shadow Is Part Of Life     Going into the shadows is normal and healthy when there is a genuine threat to our safety and well-being or to the safety and well-being of those we love. Going into the shadows is maladaptive and hurtful if we: (1) go there because of an imagined threat or (2)  go there and get stuck there.

In Shadow We Are "Split Off" From Ourselves     When we are in shadow, our focus narrows to the person, thing, action, or problem that seems to threaten us. We are compelled to repeat thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that give us the illusion of safety (isolating, seeing ourselves as better than others, refusing to admit when we are wrong, feeling misunderstood, getting angry).  When this happens, to some extent, we split off from ourselves, others, and from God. if we are believers.

Light   Being in the light is meant to be our normal way of life. In the light, we are fully present. We see reality clearly, we have freedom of choice, and we have hope.

The Conscious Mind Rules Light        In the light, we feel safe and at rest. Our creative, problem-solving conscious mind is in control. Instead of becoming inappropriately defensive, we stay open and curious. If we are believers, we feel rightly connected within ourselves, to others, and to God. Our primary concern is to get to the truth of difficult situations with compassion for ourselves and others. And we express the best of who we are -- who we were meant to be.

Inward Reactions In Light     

• ·      Body in Light:  Our body is relaxed, but alert
• ·      Emotions in Light: Our emotions are positive.
•        Mind in Light:  Our mind relects flexible and balanced thinking (we see both negative and                       positive sides of people and situations--the big picture) and freely choose what we                                  focus on.
•       Will In Light:  Our actions are based on a clear picture of reality and a desire to resolve 

                              the  difficult issue in a win-win way.

 Is Worth The Effort To Get To The Light?       Yes, indeed! Getting to the light often requires effort, but being in the light is the way to integration and growth, emotional, physical health, and healthy relationships. Please take the Choice-Cube Method Self-Assessment Quiz  / to find out whether you are more in shadow or in light.

Hey People-Pleaser, Time To Take A Risk!

“What?” Katie, a pleasant, thirty-eight-year-old looked surprised.  

 PEOPLE-PLEASING IS LEARNED BEHAVIOR         “It’s true,” I answered, “People-pleasing is a learned behavior. You know what I mean. In order to feel safe and get along in the world, you learned to pretend things were okay when they were not.

Instead of being honest and sharing what you really felt and wanted, you learned to accept whatever people handed you. You learned to avoid confrontation whatever the cost.” 

“Early in life,” I continued, “it probably felt safer not to argue or stand up for yourself-- to ‘make nice.’ So you repeated that ‘get-along nicely’ behavior over and over. The problem is that without realizing it, each time you repeated it, you made changes to your brain and body until people-pleasing became automatic and ‘easy’—a way of life.” 

“Learning to people-please is like learning any other skill—riding a bike, typing, or swimming. The more you repeat the behavior, the better you become at doing it, even if the “skill” (refusing to discuss an issue, feeling like a victim, or silently blaming others) is destructive or useless.” 

“So you learned very well how to get along ‘nice and easy.’ Allowing yourself to be honest may even seem dangerous. You may be afraid to be real (though you may not allow yourself to feel the fear). Because you usually react as a non-confrontational, people-pleaser you probably believe this is who you really are.”

 YOU HAVE A FALSE SELF AND A HEALTHY BEST REAL SELF           “But Katie,” I said, “that is not the whole story. Yes, you have that make-nice-at-any-cost part of you. I call it a false self. But you are ignoring the best of who you are. The gentle, loving part of you that wants kindness and harmony, that’s the best of who you are--the real you.”

“Circumstances, experiences and choices can morph the best of anyone into an anxious people-pleaser. Fear and the need to get along can distort your thoughts and make it feel dangerous to tell people what you want.”

“Anyone may create a false self to get along--to feel safe and in control. But repeatedly acting as the false self, causes that self to seem like the real self. In fact, the false people-pleaser can become so powerful that eventually it seems impossible to be honest and let others know where you stand—to set boundaries with others.  It feels too scary to come out of hiding.”

YOU CAN LEARN TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT           “But there is good news.” I continued, “Just as you learned to hide and make nice, you can unlearn it and learn to do something different! You can learn to be honest, but kind, and say what’s on your mind. Sure, it takes effort and time, but the alternative is to stay stuck doing the same useless and hurtful things over and over.”

WHAT ABOUT IT?  ARE YOU READY FOR A CHANGE?         These four steps can take you where you want to go. 

• ·      Step 1:  Recognize when you go into your people-pleaser self.
• ·      Step 2:  Label what you are feeling (anger, fear, shame). Then let go of those           feelings, safely and appropriately. (There are specific techniques for this.)
• ·      Step 3:  See the big picture (your strengths and possibilities as well as your         weaknesses). Then focus on the positive.  
•     Step 4:  Replace the negative with the positive and take a risk.  Act on it!

Would you like to learn more about why you fall back on people-pleasing and your false self? Take a look at Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube® Method: Step by Step to Choice and Change http://amzn.to/N7PKTh . In this book, I help you understand why you are the way you are. I provide simple tools to give you choice and take the four key steps to help you change.  Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cujé  2012  http://www.choicecube.com.

"Mommy!"

Terry, a heavy-set woman of forty, was on the floor curled-up, crying.  An early childhood memory about her mother was surfacing and it seemed more than she could handle. Old feelings of pain and confusion seemed fresh, almost new. The realization flooded her, overwhelmed her. She heard herself saying out loud, She wanted me to be totally under her domination and control. She wanted me to be her little puppet. Terrified, Terry held her breath. She felt like that little girl again. 

No One Will Help Me     Terry thought of calling someone. No, maybe she could write it out. Then she collapsed, feeling that there were no answers. No one would rescue her. Just as in her childhood, when she had no one to rescue her, there was no one to help her now. What could she do? Terry lay there, overwhelmed with the terror of having her will completely controlled by her mother. Her moaning increased, punctuated by the words, No one can help me. No one can help me.

Good News! I Can Be My Own Parent     Now, here’s some good news. Terry was seeing a therapist who just that week quoted an Alcoholics Anonymous saying, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” The therapist had suggested that the key to the quote was self-parenting. She also helped Terry understand the two major reasons why we can effectively be our own parents. 

Loving Parent, Wise Adult, Feeling Child    First, we all have different ways of being in the world. For example, we feel one way with a partner and another way with a child.  These different ways of thinking, feeling, and acting can be called “ego states.”

The three ego states of self-parenting are: The loving parent who has only one emotion--understanding and accepting love. In contrast there’s the wise adult who balances the loving parent by being totally rational and analytical with no feelings at all. (It’s the wise adult’s job to help the feeling child make sense of things.) Finally, there’s the feeling child. This is the part of the inner family who carries all emotions from pain to joy.

Second, we can have a functional inner family because our brain blurs the distinction between reality and what we imag­ine. This means for example, that when we imagine our loving parent tenderly holding us, our body and mind record that as really happening! Though this is confirmed by current brain research, Terry found it astonishing.

Terry Finds Hope      Returning to Terry who was still on the floor, broken-hearted, crying, something had changed. She had hope. “Maybe,” she thought, “maybe I can become my own loving parent, wise adult, and feeling child and work through this memory to create a better outcome. She decided to give it a try and sat up.

For the moment, Terry became the loving parent. Looking around, in her mind’s eye she saw her feeling child—her little girl--curled in a ball, lying on the ground. Ah, there she was. In her imagination, as the loving parent, Terry reached out for the little girl and asked if she would come and let Terry hold her. To her amazement, the little girl uncurled, came over to Terry’s loving parent and crawled up into her lap. In Terry’s imagination, as the loving parent, she gently wrapped her arms around her feeling child and drew her close to her heart. It seemed strange, but at that moment, she also felt like the little girl.  But now she felt loved and safe.

Terry Finds Some Answers          The loving parent and feeling child stayed in that embrace for a few moments. Then it seemed to Terry that the wise adult came on the scene. The wise adult, as mentioned, has no feelings. It’s the wise adult’s job to be totally rational and analytical and to help the feeling child make sense of things. In fact, that’s exactly what the wise adult did for Terry’s little girl.

The wise adult affirmed Terry’s impression, that her mother wanted to control and dominate her totally. But the wise adult also explained that Terry had survived and broken free of her mom. The wise adult helped the feeling child understand that her terror of being swallowed-up by her mother was a real and legitimate feeling but that she that she could label that fear and let it go—release it. Then she could unlock her thinking and move on with life.

There's More Work Ahead      Fortunately, in therapy, Terry had also learned some simple but powerful tools for labeling and releasing negative emotions. Using one of them, she felt immediate relief from the terror. But she had more work to do. Once the terror and fear diminished, a white-hot rage surfaced. She was using a tool to help her let go of the anger when oops, another emotion surfaced, and another, and another. She worked for almost forty minutes using the tool to let go of one negative emotion after another until she was so exhausted she just fell asleep.

Change Is Both Psychological and Physical!     Terry did a fantastic piece of trauma work. But change is as physical as it is psychological. Her thoughts and feelings were not only in her mind, they were in her body as well. Like connecting ski trails, those thoughts and feelings were embedded in connecting nerve pathways in her brain and body.

Terry’s task was to stop going over the old nerve pathways, which strengthened them, as well as the thoughts, feelings and desires embedded in them. She would have to do something different to create new, more positive pathways. Though this requires time and repetition, 

Time and repetition required     Terry had a profound experience, but that was only the tip of the iceberg. She will have to revisit the stress, emotions, thoughts and desires of her experience many times before she can put her past to rest. But she can do it. True, it takes time and effort, and it doesn’t feel good at the moment. But letting go of all that old painful “information” and misdirected energy is liberating. Certainly it’s worth a try.

What about you? Just like Terry, if you continue to repeat old thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and fail to change them, you can become stuck in them. That’s what an addictions is.

If you would like to know more about Terry’s approach to choice and change, go to Dr. Beth Cujé’s website, www.choicecube.com. Check out the descriptions of the Choice-Cube® Method and her blog posts. You can also sign up for a free chapter of her book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be – The Choice-Cube Method: Step by Step to Choice and Change.

Four Steps You Can Take Right Now To Change Your Life

Are you feeling stuck? Do you want to make some changes? You may feel conflicted, uncertain, or unequipped to make changes. You may even have felt this way for a while. But there is a way out. It's not complicated either. If you want to make changes to your life take these four steps. They can make a world of difference. But there's a secret. The four steps won't change you.

THE SECRET TO CHANGE     Guess what will help you change... Truth and compassion * Yes, ultimately in all situations, it is not tools, techniques or steps, but truth and compassion that bring genuine change and healing, 

FOUR STEPS FOR TRUTH AND COMPASSION/CHOICE AND CHANGE  Step 1 - Body: Pay attention. Stay aware. Be an "objective observer" of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. What truth is your body trying to tell you? If you feel stressed, have some tools on hand to help you manage your stress and move on to Step 2.

Step 2 - Emotions: Don't be afraid to know the truth of what you feel. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and label them. You do not have to act on them. Emotions are signals from your body that tell you to pay attention and decide if what you are doing, or what is being done to you, is helpful or harmful. If you don't have tools to interrupt negative emotions and replace them, learn some. Then use them. Emotions can enrich your life if you know how to manage them well.

Step 3 - Mind: If you manage your stress and negative emotions it's time to look for the meaning you are attaching to the person, thing, action or problem that is upssetting you. Now is the time to look at yourself and see what needs to change within you. Be honest and patient with yourself  and others. Can you you stop focusing on something or someone outside of you that you think is the problem? Are you willing to take responsibility for your part in the problem? If so, you give yourself choice.

When you can see the problem and the meaning you attach; if you take responsibility for what you think, feel, want, and do; you can see the problem but also look for your options and strengths. When you can see both, try to seesaw between the two until you are ready to choose which one you prefer to focus on. This choice is critical because whatever you focus on will result in more of the same. Your focus will cause you to see what you are already looking for! This causes or reinforces the formation of mental and behavioral habits, healthy and harmful. 

Step 4 - Will/Desires:  Now, if you have managed your stress, negative emotions, and the meaning you attach--Steps 1 through 3--you can stop trying to avoid or control everything inappropriately. You can do something different. You can make changes and take action to resolve issues win-win--so that you and others feel fairly dealt with. You can replace the negative and act on the positive.

These the 4 Steps of the Choice-Cube Method for choice and change found in Become the Person You Were Meant to Be. In addition to the 4 Steps, this book also provides a Checklist for self-understanding and Tools for choice and change. Once you learn the Steps and Tools you can use them over and over to find immediate relief in the present and to make long-term lasting changes.

*Truth is defined here as a relatively realistic and complete picture of yourself, others, and the situation.Compassion is defined as consciousness of others’ and your own distress with a desire to alleviate it.

Focus Hocus-Pocus

I see a shadow and whisper to a friend, "A mugger!" My friend focuses on the same shadow and knows it’s just a shadow. Why are our experiences so different? Because of our past experiences. My past programs what I focus on and the meaning I give to it.The same is true for you.

Say I am programmed to be a victim. I am likely to focus on parts of a situation that make me feel like a victim. For example, if I’m turned down for a job I may blame myself, "I talked too much. I shouldn't have worn the green skirt. It was too short. I always fail. What’s wrong with me?"

Or I may take a victimizer position and blame the interviewers,"They didn’t give me a chance. They don’t like the color of my skin. It’s not fair. They're jerks anyway."

Whenever things don’t go my way, it's likely that my focus and reactions will be the same in the present as they were inthe past. I will think, feel, and do the same things I've always thought, felt, and done. And that’s the end of it. I won't ask myself if my reactions are appropriate or helpful. Magically—focus hocus-pocus---I don’t have to think any further.  

But I have choice! Instead of doing the same old thing one more time, I can look for the truth of why I failed to get the job, make the baseball team, or win the beauty contest. I can open my focus, learn from the experience, and do something different the next time. 

The Choice-Cube Method, an innovative approach to self-help offers simple tools and four key steps to help you stay aware of your reactions and do something different. Using the method, you can train yourself to stay aware of a negative focus and unhelpful reactions. Then instead of getting stuck repeatimg the same old things one more time, you can open your mind to options and possibilites. Using the method gives you choice and creates change.

What about you? How much choice do have? How eager are you to know the truth? If you feel stuck, don’t be disheartened.The Choice-Cube®Method can help you understand and manage your focus and reactions. Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist and author of the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, is giving you the opportunity to download the first chapter of the book for FREE. Just click here and see what the Choice-Cube Method® can do for you today.