The Victim-Victimizer Swing

In the Victim-Victimizer Swing, we respond to people and situations as victims (one-down, less-than, under-dog) or as victimizers (one-up, better-than, top-dog).

As victims, we Avoid! Avoid! Avoid! We give up our healthy self and try to find our identity and safety in submission and weakness. For example, "I 'm afraid to confront or argue with anyone. I must "make nice" all the time. I'm afraid to let people know what I reallly think."

As victimizers, we Control! Control! Control! We try to find our identity and safety in domination and control. For example, " I have all the answers. I know better. I'll fix you and everyone else. It must be done my way."

Though we swing between being both the victim and victimizer, one position will be our default--the position where we start and end.

The solution is first, to recognize when we are being victims or victimizers and then to "Go Down The Middle." I'll discuss this next time.

If you are interested in learning more about the V-V Swing, you can pick up a copy of my book, "Become the Person You Were Meant to Be" on www.amazon.com.

Let me hear from you.

Change and Rewire Your Brain

Yes, I said it!  Rewire your brain.
It works like this. Each time we repeat a
thought, emotion,or action, we go over
pathways in our brain that carry the
information and energy of that reaction.

Repeatedly going over nerve pathways is like
repeatedly driving a car over a dirt road,We
create ruts in that road that deepen every
time we drive over them. This makes them
more likely to grab our tires and force
us to stay in the rut.

In the same way, the more we repeat a thought,
emotion, or action, the more power we give it
to grab us and cause us to repeat it again and again.

In fact ruts or pathways can become so deep
that it often seems easier just to roll along
and allow them to control us.

Here's where rewiring comes in. We can train
ouselves to stay aware of what we are tempted
to repeat, but do something different. When we
do something different, we interfere with the
old ruts or nerve pathways. Now, we can refuse
to go over them and choose to make new, healthier
pathways. We actually rewire our brains.

Out with the old. In with the new!
Let's get started.

Bottom Up - Top Down Crashes

 Current information from our five senses can
  come up from our body and collide with
  misperceptions and unrealistic expectations
  that come down from our mind. For example, I
  hear the words, "I love you."but I still think
  I am unlovable and undesirable.
  Or, a message may come up from my body telling
  me that my stomach hurts, but I remember my
  mother telling me it can't be hurting because
  I just ate.
  It's enough to make a body and mind go numb or
  panicky and "split off," becoming less in touch
  with reality and the big picture. 

  Now, we're in trouble. Split off from ourselves,
  we are evn less likely to find the truth and the
  full reality of the situation. And as a result some or all of
  what we think, feel and do will be inappropriate.
  Sometimes it takes strong mental effort to
  stay present and in touch with reality.
  Failure to do so usually exacts a high price.
  How often, if ever, do you split off from
  yourself and reality?  How committed are
  you to staying aware, open, and curious so
  you can make healthy choices and changes
  that empower you to become the person
  you were meant to be?

You Can't Fill A Leaky Heart

"You can't fill a leaky heart." my son said
in a recent conversation. Humm, "How do you
fix a leaky heart?"  I wondered. Can it ever
be full again?

Upon reflection, my answer is, "Yes." Yes, we
can fix our leaky hearts,if we are willing to
be honest and compassionate with others and
ourselves. Yes,our once leaky hearts can be
full again.

Honesty and compassion are the antidotes to
a leaky heart. Both require finding courage,
forgiving, and accepting forgiveness, which may
hurt, take time, and require humility. Facing
the truth and letting go of old thoughts and
feelings is never easy. But we can do it.

I admit to having a leaky heart that is healing.
Honesty and compassion are working for me.
What about you? Would you like to give honesty
and compassion a try?

I would love to hear from you on this matter.

Connected or Split off?

If you read my piece on addictions on FaceBook,
you may have noticed an emphasis on self-nurturing.
 
Here's a question for each one of us. "How do I
nurture myself?  "When I nurture myself, do I 
stay connected to myself and do what's best
for me?

Or do I "split off" from myself and go after
something that, short-term, might relieve
and pleasure me, but long-term can hurt me?
Do I even think about it?

I would love to know what you are thinking.