Help That Hurting Child!

Courtney, a lovely, blond thirty-something was frantic. Her ten-year-old son, Tim, was out of control and she simply did not know what to do about it. There were the daily calls from school about his grades and his acting out. He was disrespectful to her now in a way he had never been before. Courtney was scared. She didn’t know which way to turn. 

Tim was her only child. His dad had deserted her and his son when the boy was five. Courtney had to raise him by herself with a little help from her family who live in a neighboring state. Courtney thought she had done a good job. But now…well, she wasn’t so certain.  

A strange thing about Courtney, she believed in God for lots of things in her life. God always seemed to come through for her. But this time, for some reason, she was having difficulties believing God was in control of the situation and would help her.  

The “meaning she attached” to this situation with Tim, to herself, and to God was oh, so negative and hopeless. The “story” she was telling herself was dangerous and destructive.  

 THE “STORY” - THE “MEANING ATTACHED”     The meaning you attach to anything affects your:  

• body (stress)
• emotions
• mind (thoughts-mental pictures)
• will/desires.  

The first three are pretty straightforward. Will/desire is a little tricky.

Basically when you have difficulties with a person (including yourself), a thing, action, or problem you can will/desire only three things:

• to avoid   
• to control 
• to resolve difficulties in a win-win" fashion (everyone, including you, feels they got a fair deal.  

It's only human to want to avoid or control things that are scary and hurtful. It only makes sense. But unless you deal with something honestly, it’s unlikely you will resolved it satisfactorily and permanently.

YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FOCUS:      Now,  here’s some good news. You have choice regarding the meaning you attach--the "story" you tell yourself.. You have choice because you can choose where you put your focus. Do you focus on your losses and difficulties? Or do you focus on your options, strengths, and possibilities?  

COURTNEY’S NEGATIVE FOCUS:      Courtney is focused on the negative side of reality Tim’s behavior, her fear, and her helplessness are overwhelming her. The answer to this negativity, however, is not to pump herself up and try to be positive. The answer to her situation is to see reality clearly—the big picture and to choose whether she wants to continue to focus on the negative side of reality or to shift her focus to the positive side of reality. If she continues to dwell on her fears and helplessness, there’s a good chance that her fears will come to pass. (If Courtney can’t make a choice, I’ll explain a way to get help.)  

It’s a universal law, like gravity, that whatever you focus on will get you more of the same 

Let’s imagine that Courtney just gives up and continues to focus on Tim and this difficult situation. She may ignore how stressed she feels and continue to stew around in fear, helplessness, hopelessness, and probably anger. She may try to  get out of he negative mood or state of mind by calling a friend and complaining, eating, shopping, or sleeping more. 

These behaviors may help her temporarily feel better, but none of these strategies gets to the root of the problem--the story she is telling himself. In fact, it’s likely they will make things worse. 

COURTNEY’S POSITIVE FOCUS:     In contrast, Courtney can admit that she and Tim are in a bad place. (What Courtney believes about this difficult situation is true.). She may realize that the negative side is only part of reality, only part of the big picture. The other side of reality is that she and Tim have strengths, options, and possibilities she can’t see now because she is so overwhelmed by the problem. 

If Courtney wakes up and questions her story, she can start to make changes in herself and how she interacts with Tim. She needs to stand back and objectively look at what going on inside of her--become a “conscious observer” of her reactions.  

She needs to stay aware of the inward reactions of her body, emotions, mind, and will so she can change them. This will give her immediate relief and she will stop doing the same old thing and do something different. Furthermore, as she repeatedly changes her inward reactions, the changes will last! Courtney will stop being her own worst enemy and begin to be her own best friend.  

Tim, like all children, he needs three critical things from his parent(s), Courtney. 

1. 1. He needs to believe and feel (not simply be told, but feel) that she listens to him. 
2. 2. He needs to believe and feel that Courtney understands him and loves him. 
3. 3. He needs Courtney to help him make sense of everything that is happening.

WAKE UP TIME:     So, Courtney needs to wake up to the “story“ she is telling herself and make some changes. But how? The way is always the same.  

Though there are lots of ways to change, Courtney had learned about the Choice-Cube® Method from a friend and decided to use the method’s mental framework, simple tools, and 4 steps to help her manage her inward reactions. Remember, inward reactions are the reactions of your body (stress), negative emotions, the thoughts, pictures in your mind, and your desire/will.    

Courtney understood that the fastest and most lasting way to change starts with changing her inward reactions. This is because whether you want to change behaviors or your beliefs, in the end your four inward reactions will have to change. 

At first, Courtney may be uncomfortable, maybe even more sad, angry, and helpless. But she won’t be stuck! 

DANGER AND HOPE:     Let’s get clear. If Courtney continues to focus on Tim and her helplessness, fear, and anger, she will create situations that cause the very thing she fears to become more and more real. She will become increasingly stuck and unable to change. And the situation will continue to deteriorate.

In contrast, if she becomes a conscious observer and gets in touch with her stress, feelings, thoughts and desires, she can use the Choice-Cube tools to change them. She can get to the whole truth about the situation, including hers strengths, options and possibilities, and Tim’s also. Then she can focus on those, and create change in both of their lives. 

A CRITICAL LIFE CHOICE:     Courtney is at a critical choice point in her life and Tim’s life. Will she screw up his courage and do something to change herself so she can then address her son's issues? Will she go for short-term pain but long-term gain? 

IF ARE YOU READY TO CHANGE:     If you are at a choice-point like Courtney, are you ready to change and stop focusing on the problem? You can begin to turn your life around. First, admit that you have a problem. Second, look at the “meanings you attach” to the issue and third, repeatedly take the following 4 STEPS of the Choice-Cube Method. 

If you don’t know what you are telling yourself—your story or the meanings you are attaching—these four steps will help you find that out.

Step 1: RECOGNIZE - Focus on your body and use the Choice-Cube tools to manage your stress.  

Step 2: INTERRUPT/RELEASE - Label your emotions and use the Choice-Cube tools to let go of those emotions safely and appropriately. Your emotions lock in limited and distorted thinking. So, after you use the tools to release your emotions appropriately, you will see both the negative and positive sides of reality more clearly.

Step 3:  REFOCUS - Look at both sides of reality. Imagine holding the negative reality in your left hand and the positive reality in your right hand. Now, seesaw between the two until you can choose which side you want to focus on, negative or positive. Remember, this is an important choice, because, whatever you choose will get you more of the same! 

Step 4:  REPLACE/ACT - Once you have managed your body (stress), your negative emotions, thoughts and pictures, you can choose what you want to do. Do you want to do something fresh and different and resolve the situation “win-win,” Or do you want to repeat the same old inward reactions trying to control or avoid the person, thing, action, or problem inappropriately. Be as specific and detailed as possible and use the Choice-Cube tools to help you make the changes you desire.

To help you get a handle on your inward reactions: body, emotions, mind, and will, you can take the Choice-Cube Assessment Questionnaire on my website. Click here /. To learn the Choice-Cube Tools or gain a deeper understanding of the method, check out my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method. Click here http://amzn.to/Xw2YMZ. 

Take The Edge Off Aging

Frank, a handsome, athletic man in his early 50’s felt old. He didn’t seem to have the same energy and drive he had when he was younger. His kids teased him about losing his hair and he had put on twenty pounds. He felt out of shape and unattractive. 

The “story,” or “meaning attached” by Frank to aging, was negative and only part of reality. He was dwelling on his losses and living with a one-sided negative story. 

Even worse, he was telling himself that his wife of twenty-five years was still beautiful and sexy and that she was losing interest in him. He was so focused on his losses--the negative side of reality--that he had lost track of his strengths and options. His self-talk was making him feel worse and worse and he didn’t even realize it.

 Frank's negative story had taken over his life, and he was in a downward spiral.

Let’s imagine that Frank continues this way. He gives up and continues to focus on his losses, including the loss of his athletic youthfulness and physique. Oh, don’t forget his hair. He may ignore how stressed he feels and continue to stew in regret. He may dwell on his anger, and his fear that his wife will reject him. Then to make himself temporarily feel better, he may drink a little more, hang out at Hooters, flirt with the new girl at work, or buy a “muscle” car.

These behaviors can give him a temporary lift, but none of these strategies get to the root of his problem--the story he is telling himself. In fact, they may make things worse.

If Frank continues to focus on his losses, his anger, fear, and regret, it’s likely that he will create situations that cause the very thing he fears to become more and more real. As a result, he will become increasingly stuck and unable to change.

What can Frank do instead? The answer is not to pump himself up trying to be positive. The answer is to see reality clearly—the big picture--and have the tools to choose whether he wants to continue to focus on the negative side of reality or to shift his focus to the positive side of reality.

Once he makes up his mind that he’s ready to change, there are many ways to do this. One such way is the Choice-Cube® Method, a new, time-tested, step-by-step system for choice and change. This approach would give Frank a mental checklist, simple tools, and 4 steps that work together in a logical, but compassionate way to help Frank manage his thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

If Frank wakes up and admits that he’s in a bad place, he can use the method to change his focus and the story he’s telling himself. He can get his thinking brain and his emotional brain to work together and find the freedom to make wise choices and changes. This approach can be found in Become the Person You Were Meant to Be – The Choice-Cube Method:  Step by Step to Choice and Change.

Let’s imagine that Frank challenges the negative meaning he’s attaching to aging and takes a more positive focus. Let’s assume that he uses the Choice-Cube to tools to stop his current story cold and do something different. What would be the results?

Perhaps he would stop being a couch potato and drink less so he could lose some weight. He might go back to work on that antique car in the garage or write words to the rock-and-roll tune that keeps running though his head. Frank needs a challenge in his life.

Regarding his wife, maybe he could start going to the gym with is her or find some other interest outside of work that they could share to put some excitement back in their lives. He could make an effort to spend more alone time with her so they could know and appreciate each other on a deeper level.

So, how does Frank uncover and change those meanings—his story?  The way to do this is always the same. First, he needs to stand back and objectively look at what going on inside of him. He needs to become a “conscious observer” of how he reacts and the meanings he attaches to his wife, aging, his losses, and his life in general. Obviously, he can’t change what he’s not aware of.

Equally as importantly, he can use the tools and 4 steps to expose and change the inward reactions of his body (stress), emotions, the thoughts and pictures in his mind, and his will/desires. The emphasis is on Frank’s inward reactions because in the end, no matter what he tries to change, behaviors or beliefs, his four inward reactions will have to change.

Note: Will/desire is a little tricky because Frank has only three choices. He can want to: (1) avoid or (2) control a person (including himself), a thing, action, or problem. Or he can want to get to the root of the problem with honesty and compassion and  (3) resolve an issue—“win-win”--everyone feels they get a fair deal. What he wants—his will/desires--determines what he does.

The benefits of changing inward reactions are huge! Let’s imagine that Frank decides to take responsibility for his thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and becomes a conscious observer. At first, he will probably be uncomfortable, maybe sad, angry, or feel shame. But he won’t be stuck!

He can use the tools and 4 steps to change his inward reactions and get immediate relief from painful thoughts and emotions. He can let go of feelings such as fear, anger, shame, and feeling overwhelmed and numb. Then instead of doing the same old thing with the same results, he can choose to do something different.

Now, he can get to the whole truth of his situation.  (The truth includes not only his losses, but also his strengths, options and possibilities.)  This allows him to shift his focus and the meanings he’s attaching, He can begin to choose how he wants to handle himself and his situation. This is life-changing!

You can have the same freedom of choice. You can change your story. You can stop focusing on your losses and difficulties. You can start focusing on your options, strengths, and possibilities and choose different behaviors. Staying aware and changing your inward reactions will give you choice, and freedom of choice opens the door to change.

You can stop being your worst enemy and begin to be your best friend. Furthermore, when  repeatedly change all four inward reactions, you can change yourself in ways you never imagined. And your changes will last!

Frank is at a critical choice point in his life. Will he take the easy way of “short-term relief/gain but long-term pain?” Or will he screw up his courage and go for “short-term pain but long-term gain?” What about you?

How can the Choice-Cube Method help? Using the tools to take the following 4 steps of the Choice-Cube Method can help you change your four inward reactions.

Step 1:RECOGNIZE - Focus on your body and use the Choice-Cube tools to manage your stress.

tep 2:INTERRUPT/RELEASE - Label your emotions and use the Choice-Cube tools to let go of those emotions safely and appropriately. (Your emotions lock in limited and distorted thinking. So, after you use the tools to release your emotions appropriately, you will see both the negative and positive sides of reality more clearly.)

Step 3:  REFOCUS - In your mind, Look at both sides of reality. Imagine holding one on your left side and one on your right side. Now, seesaw between the two until you can choose which side you want to focus on, negative or positive. Then use the Choice-Cube tools to help you make the healthy choice. Remember, this is an important choice, because, whatever you choose will get you more of the same!

Step 4:  REPLACE/ACT - Once you have managed your body (stress), your negative emotions, thoughts and pictures, you can direct your will/desires. You can choose what you want to do. Do you want to do something fresh and different and resolve the situation “win-win,” Or do you want to repeat the same old inward reactions trying to control or avoid the person, thing, action, or problem inappropriately. Be as specific and detailed as possible.

To help you get a handle on your inward reactions: body, emotions, mind, and will, you can take the Choice-Cube Profile on my website www.choicecube.com. To learn how to use the Choice-Cube tools or gain a deeper understanding of the method, check out my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method. Click here  http://amzn.to/Xw2YMZ.